Things my friend Mark says - Volume 5

My friend Mark is as funny and articulate as anyone in the blogosphere, but too lazy/humble/indifferent to start his own blog, so he just writes gold and sends it to me. His observations need to be shared, for amusement's sake if not for the betterment of mankind.

Ted,

The term, "thrice-widowed" is reserved for mass murderers and Ben Cartwright. Adam, Hoss, and Little Joe were all born of different mothers on the 600,000 acre Ponderosa. (Plenty of room to create an "accident" or hide a body.) Odd premise for a western.

But here's what I've been thinking. Hoss's mother must have been a delicate, lovely woman, no? I can picture her in my mind, but words fail me. Fortunately we can fall back on Jim Bouton's description of one similar woman from his baseball classic, Ball Four. "'It's hard to say exactly what she looked like. She was kind of a Joe Torre with tits."

Exhibit A

My guess is that Hoss's mom was originally one of Ben's silver miners, who - as it turned out - could cook up a mean plate of biscuits and gravy. It was lonely out there in Nevada. How could Ben resist her?

In retrospect, "Ponderosa" was probably her given name - and the ranch was named in her honour after an unfortunate oven explosion that carried her away to Heaven - and about 40 feet beyond the stables.

Hard to blow up a wood oven. Hop Sing refused to discuss it.

This brings us to the late John Bateman - fat, ugly catcher for the expansion Expos - may he rest in peace. Trust me, this photo is very flattering...

Bateman finished his career as catcher for the great softball pitcher, Eddie Feigner ("The King and his Court"). Feigner broke Bateman's nose three times, which made him all the more beautiful.

Anyway, former Montreal Star writer John Robertson swore that he once saw Bateman approach a large and unfortunate-looking woman in a Crescent Street bar. Wishing to make a good first impression, Bateman paid her a thoughtful compliment. "Say! You don't sweat much for a big girl!" The old smoothie!

It should be noted that no harm was done, and the two of them left the bar together - happy, horny, and apparently resigned to their lots in life.

Mark

Scandal schmandal

For better or worse, it was always clear that Tiger Woods would ultimately be judged first and foremost by what he did on the golf course and not how he conducted himself as a husband and father. He's an even better golfer than he is an adulturer, and the womanizing - already a footnote to his athletic legacy - becomes ever more immaterial as Woods continues to rehabilitate his golf game, if not his public image. Yesterday's career-best, final round 9 under par 62 at the Honda Classic was vintage Tiger, and has fans, media and PGA officials drooling at the prospect of what Woods could bring to the Masters next month. Rory McIlroy is the new world number one, but Woods is still golf's number one attraction...There's no shame in hoping the Canadiens tank during the last month of the season to enhance their chances of landing a number one or two overall pick in the draft lottery. If the players can't summon the professional pride to bring their best effort on anything remotely resembling a consistent basis, why should the fans be obliged to care?...What a treat Saturday for members of the Montreal hockey media, who got to witness and enjoy Toronto general manager Brian Burke's open book persona at a Bell Center news conference to introduce new Leafs head coach Randy Carlyle. Burke's honesty, candor and intermittent bursts of Irish blarney are a welcome change from the robotic platitudes of Canadiens general manager Pierre Gauthier, on those rare occasions when Gauthier deigns to hold court for the ink-stained wretches of the fourth estate...If you didn't see Don Cherry owning both Burke and Ron MacLean on Coach's Corner Saturday, look it up on You Tube for an understanding why Cherry is still on TV. He was entertaining, he was relevant, and he was right...Being relieved of his duties didn't exempt outgoing Leafs coach Ron Wilson from having to make difficult choices Saturday, except that instead of having to choose between starting James Reimer or Jonas Gustavsson in goal, he had to decide whether to drown his sorrows at Bar Diana or the Cock and Bull. Either way, it's the worst of both worlds.

Beaucoup ado de rien de tout

Straight to voice mail

And you thought the Academy Awards were long-winded and boring.
At least Oscar has a payoff, even though you have to sit through three-and-a-half hours of awards for best musical score in a foreign language animated short before they get to the good stuff.
For pure tedium, self-congratulatory Hollywood has nothing on NHL trade deadline day - a dawn-'till-dusk-and-beyond exercise in speculative verbosity with little or no payoff for viewers who blister their thumbs to the bone channel surfing between Canada's four major television sports networks in the vain hope of seeing or hearing something - ANYTHING - of substance.
Even though more than three-quarters of NHL teams are American-based, trade deadline day is a non-event in the US, to the point where it rated about a minute's mention on ESPN radio this morning, after coverage of the NBA All Star game - which was played two days ago - and the Boston Red Sox' ban on beer in the clubhouse. One minute is about all it takes to summarize the interesting and relevant transactions that occured before the 3pm Monday trade deadline.
It's either a testament to Canadians' love of hockey or a gigantic miscalculation on the part of the national sports media that trade deadline day in this country got more wall-to-wall coverage than last night's Daytona 500 got in the US. Not that the two events are entirely dissimilar - they both feature frequent wrecks, albeit of a different nature.
Maybe that's the solution. Make the trade deadline coincide with the Daytona 500 every year, and have James Duthie, Bob McKenzie, Nick Kypreos et al ride shotgun and report, analyze and rumourmonger down the backstretch at 200 miles an hour. It might not be logistically practical, but considering the relative failure of conventional marketing methods, it's one way of reminding the American market than the NHL actually exists.

Cassie Campbell fail English? That's unpossible!

Incoherent double-threat - veteran windbag Bob Cole with the alarmingly inarticulate Cassie Campbell

Rejean Houle is a nice guy who deserves better than to be remembered as the worst general manager in Montreal Canadiens history, and a modicum of Reggie`s honour has been restored, thanks to Pierre Gauthier. It would have seemed inconceivable 15 years ago, but the Canadiens are actually more of an embarassment today than they were during the ill-fated Houle era. Gauthier is the main culprit, but he's not the only one who's culpable in this calamity. Team president Geoff Molson has been anything but presidential, and the players quit weeks ago. The only actor in the tragedy who gets a pass is Randy Cunneyworth, because whether or not you like his coaching style, Cunneyworth was a hamstrung lame duck from the get-go, having been thrown under the bus in his first week on the job by both Gauthier and Molson for the sake of political expediency...If you're bummed about not being able to watch the Daytona 500 today because you have to go to work or school, be grateful you're not one of the legions of NASCAR fans who actually went to Daytona and didn't make provisions for a rain delay. For anyone who came from beyond driving distance, it's a long way to go and a lot of money to spend to watch it rain for four hours...Gramatically-challenged Hockey Night In Canada dingbat Cassie Campbell was at it again Saturday, reporting that she had "a off-air conversation" with Toronto general manager Brian Burke. I'm sure it were an fascinating chat...Goon was number one at the Canadian box office on its opening weekend, proving once again that Canadians love a good romantic comedy, as long as it's awash in hockey fights, inappropriate sexual innuendo and f-bombs.

Ribeiro rubs it in

Mike Ribeiro's unapologetic display of self-satisfaction two nights ago at the Bell Center left a bad taste in a lot of mouths, but it was the taste of sour grapes.
As a Montreal native and a Canadiens castoff, Ribeiro had every reason to feel vindicated after leading the Dallas Stars past the listless Canadiens 3-0. Sure, he missed the exit to the high road, but Ribeiro's semi-sarcastic bow to the crowd after being named first star was a long time coming. It was his first regular season game at the Bell Center since being traded by the Canadiens in 2006, and there wasn't a honest Habs fan in the house Tuesday who wouldn't undo the deal that sent Ribeiro to Dallas for the eminently forgettable Janne Niinimaa, who at last report was leading the European Elite League in vowels.
There's no question that Ribeiro's work ethic was suspect and his priorities skewed when he played for the Canadiens, but he's far from being the first hockey player to literally jump on what Montreal has to offer before settling into his role as a hockey professional. With experience and maturity, he's gone on to become the consistently savvy playmaker and steady producer that the Canadiens thought they drafted in 1998, which is why anyone whose sentiments lie with the Habs has a lot more to worry about than whether Ribeiro's first star circus act was out of order. The more relevant concern is that he's yet another poster boy for the perils of giving up on a young player too soon.

Baruchel's "Goon" a delightfully inappropriate romp

Of the millions of Canadian kids who aspire to play pro hockey, fewer than one percent of one percent actually make it, but their numbers are legion compared to the ranks of Canadian kids who grow up to realize their dream of making a feature film about hockey.
Goon, which premiered in Montreal last night and opens in wide release this Friday, is the money shot in co-star, co-writer and co-producer Jay Baruchel's lifetime love affair with hockey. Goon has the NDG native's St. Hubert BBQ chicken-stained fingerprints all over it, whether it's in Baruchel's own delightfully inappropriate character in the film or in the wickedly clever and crude script he co-authored with accomplished Hollywood screenwriter Evan Goldberg - a script hilariously brought to life by Baruchel, co-stars Seann William Scott, Liev Schreiber and Alison Pill and an overwhelmingly Canadian supporting cast including Marc-Andre Grondin, Eugene Levy, Kim Coates, Richard Clarkin and Ricky Mabe, all under the capable direction of London, Ontario born-and-raised Michael Dowse. While the presence of Schreiber and Scott give the film its A-list legitimacy, it's the Canadian content and influence that make it a credible and fall-down funny hockey movie.
Goon is not for the faint of heart or those easily offended. It's Slapshot and then some (call it Slapshot meets the Trailer Park Boys, complete with a cameo by the Boys themselves) and you're going to have it see it twice to hear the lines you missed the first time because you were too busy trying to catch your breath.

Habs get it right, NBC not so much

The Canadiens haven't done a lot to distinguish themselves on or off the ice this season, but they got it right last night with their pre-game tribute to the late Gary Carter, whose memory was honored in a ceremony befitting his stature as a Montreal sports icon. The same can't be said for the NBC Hockey Network, which was covering the game but skipped the Carter ceremony, presumably to show something they had already pre-packaged as part of their Hockey Day in America programming. That no one in a position of influence at NBC had the good judgement to call an audible under the circumstances speaks volumes about the people in positions of influence at NBC...Given his sketchy track record, nobody expected Canadiens general manager Pierre Gauthier to get as much as he got for Hal Gill. A second round draft choice was compensation enough for an almost-37 year old pending unrestricted free agent, but Gauthier was also able to squeeze a couple of prospects out of Nashville, including the grandson of Hall of Famer and Canadiens legend Boom Boom Geoffrion. The return probably speaks as much to how highly the Predators value Gill as they go all in for a Stanley Cup as it does to Gauthier's bargaining savvy...Meanwhile, the part of me that enjoys a good freak show can't wait until the Hamilton Bulldogs arrive in town for Friday's game at the Bell Center and American-born-and-raised Blake Geoffrion does his first English-only scrum for the Montreal hockey media. Le grand fils de Boom Boom seulement en anglais? C'est un scandale...And I'm happy for Canadian Archbishop Thomas Collins that he became a Cardinal over the weekend, but I really don't see him duplicating Albert Pujols' run production.