Saturday, January 23, 2010

ANSWERS FOR YVAN

Yvan comments regularly on the blog and routinely poses profound questions that I am compelled to answer, to wit:

If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?
Answer: Don't ask me - ask ME.

If it's true we're here to help others, what are others doing here?
Answer: They were cloned by Raelians to undermine our sexual morals. Still waiting for my turn.

Why do we sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" when we're already there?
Answer: I don't know about you, but I sing it on the off chance that eventually, a complete stranger will in fact buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Answer: He was stricken with Alopecia areata barbae. (Thank you, Wikipedia).

Q: There are 24 hours in a day and 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
Answer: No more so than that it only takes me five minutes to smoke a nickel bag.

If we yelled at our plants instead of talking to them, would they still grow, only to be troubled or insecure?
A: Goddamit, I'm watching the game. Ask your mother.

No need to thank me. It's all a public service.

8 comments:

  1. If you responded to every person that posted supposed existential questions and a tree fell in the forest and nobody was there to blog about it, would the Montreal Canadiens still miss the playoffs?

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  2. Very funny Ted. I love that you put some thought into your answers.Now i'm gonna have to google just when that ballgame song was written and indeed how long it has been since cracker jacks was invented and actually had decent prizes!(i do remember things like plastic soldiers and rings instead of a tiny paper pic that isn't even a temporary tattoo only to be discovered after i wet the thing and ruined it completely!!)
    Sincerely, Me (just the one of us today)

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  3. Hey, two in a row, baby. They're going all the way with Halak. Trade Price and Plekanec to Atlanta for Kovalchuk.

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  4. "No more so than that it only takes me five minutes to smoke a nickel bag."

    I lol'ed.

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  5. hey Ted,

    i heard this morning that
    dagostini and pachorety are being sent
    down..
    think your right., laraque was just the start
    and its about time..

    it must be that the habs finally decided
    that halak has the stamina to be number 1.,
    look at the last to big wins..
    and wheres price been, only a game here and there played..and losses..

    in my mind though halak should be second
    still..and they should do the trade if
    its with atlanta and go get a vetran goalie
    that they need now to replace price..
    cant hurt i suppose..
    i mean why wait..maybey Gainey was asked
    by managment to wake up or give his walking papers..

    Brian,

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