Thursday, January 14, 2010


A few years ago I was watching the History Channel, as is my wont, and there was Hitler in front of 100 thousand strong at Nuremberg, spouting the usual schiesse about the master race and Aryan destiny, when my 3 and 5 year old sons walked into the living room, pointed at the TV and said "Who's that?" I explained that Hitler was a very bad man who started a world war and killed a lot of innocent people but that he's been dead for a long time and the world is better off without him.

Flash forward a week or two and I'm driving around with Charlie, the 3 year old, who's munching cookies in his toddler seat in the back of the car and asks me if I want one. "That's nice, Charlie," I say, "you're a good boy to share your cookies." And he fixes me with the kind of earnest look that only a wonderfully naive 3 year old can muster and says "Hitler doesn't share his cookies."

And that's the title of my first book - Hitler Doesn't Share His Cookies. If I were a musician, I'd put out a CD called Hitler Doesn't Share His Cookies. If I were a movie mogul, I'd finance a feature film called Hitler Doesn't Share His Cookies. But I'm an unemployed radio announcer with a blog, so even a book is probably a longshot, but it's the most realistic goal.

All need now is an outline. And a plot. And all the other elements professional authors weave into the creation of a best-selling novel. But I know Hitler's going to be in the book, and I know that he's going to have cookies, and that he might or might not share them, depending on what kind of curveball I decide to throw at the end. Interestingly (or not), Hitler was a vegetarian with a great fondness for pastries, so I could alternatively name the book Hitler Doesn't Share His Apfelstrudel or Hitler Doesn't Share His Kartoffelpfannkuchen. But I'm less interested in historical accuracy than I am in honoring a 3 year old's generosity of spirit and remarkably simplistic but compelling take on history's greatest despot. Because I'll bet you Hitler DIDN'T share his cookies. Whether relaxing in lederhosen with his Nazi party cronies at the Obersalzberg or meeting with the high command at the Wolfschanze to plot strategy for the Eastern Front, I'll bet der Fuhrer hoarded every sweetbread in the place and told Goering to get his own cookies, not that Goering needed any, the fat f***.

I realize that Hitler is a touchy subject and I don't mean to make light of wars of aggression or crimes against humanity, but remember that I'm trying to pitch a book here, and Hitler Doesn't Share His Cookies is a catchier title than Churchill Doesn't Share His Brandy or Roosevelt Doesn't Share His Wheelchair. Now THAT's offensive.


  1. hmm..maybe his psychopathy started early in life and he ended up being uber despicable because Santa never went to his house?

  2. Way to go! I like the working title, and I think you'll do just fine getting content. I'm also pretty confident he didn't share his cookies with anyone, the little bastard!

  3. You could do a version of the movie "Downfall" just call it
    "Downfall II"
    "Hitler doesn't share his cookies."
    in IMAX 3D, no biggy just paint green and red around the movie cell edges.

  4. Way to go Ted. Love the blogs and the book title. When Terry left I stopped listening to CHOM as my own little protest and I missed your humor. I look forward to more posts.

  5. Hitler Doesn't Share His Apfelstrudel is my personal favourite.

    Hitler also attempted to be a painter and failed, which might explain why I don't share my cookie either.

  6. cookies**. That I should "share my cookie" (singular) sounds somewhat obscene.

  7. He started in history as a starving artist, a specialist of moochonomics!! Until someone tipped him off on spying for the secret service (again moochonomics, someone else was paying for the beer...)...
    Sharing was never one of the main quality of the aforementionned personage.
    Love the title though!

  8. I love young kids the catchy phrase that they can tell and as always the true always comes out the yound kids. Have a great weekend Ted.

  9. Now, this is what I'm talking about. Kids are great and can saw the funniest things somethimes. If you really are planning on buying a book I will buy it. And if not, you should. And I must agree Hitler probably doesn't share his cookies. But then again they might have been really good cookies, but he was probably just a bastard in respect to that as well :) Have a great weekend Ted.

  10. with a homer voice : "Kids, is there anything they can,t do?"

    Make me remember when my little asian cousin, saw for the time a pic of a pregnant woman:

    Little cousin: "Why your sister got a big belly?"

    Me:"Well, where do you think kid's come from?"

    Little cousin with her most assure voice: "From Taiwan!"

    I couldn't resist; I laught, despite the "do-not-laught-of-my-daughter" aunt eyes....

    Hitler doesn't share his cookies (that could have been a great title for Tarantino's Bastards film!)? I pretty sure about it kid! ;)

  11. Now this is funny shit. I'll definitely be back for more.

  12. read this yesterday, laughed with tears, came back today to see if there was another post and found "baby Hitler" too funny! I get bird droppings and revisionist history. I love your sense of humour. So glad you decided to blog.

  13. He wouldn't share his cookies and he claimed that the chocolate cake he made was a secret family recipe but I totally know it was Dunkin Hiel cake mix. Such a liar that Hitler.

  14. Great, Mr. Bird. Good Scheisse. (Note the spelling.)

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