Monday, January 18, 2010


When I solicited blog ideas a couple of days ago, Martin Duval wrote "How about something on why Max Pacioretty and Matt D'Agostini are still in the NHL?" An excellent question, and one that Canadiens coach Jacques Martin and general manager Bob Gainey are in a better position than I'm in to answer. As a sixth round draft pick, it's entirely possible that the 23 year old D'Agostini overachieved as a rookie and that his actual worth is somewhere between last season's splashy debut and this year's sophmore letdown. Pacioretty, 21, LOOKS like an NHL player and SKATES like an NHL player and SHOOTS like an NHL player, but lacks the polish and/or confidence that comes with time spent at minor league finishing school. Trouble is, a cursory look at the numbers for the Habs' AHL affiliate in Hamilton suggests that no one's lighting up the Steel City to the point of warranting a promotion to Montreal.

-Seconds after Dallas quarterback Tony Romo turned the ball over for the third time whilst tanking against Minnesota yesterday, I received the following e-mail from longtime friend, colleague and mentor Mark Burns:

I understand that Roger Staubach is contemplating suicide for the sheer pleasure of spinning in his grave."

Mark should still be on the radio somewhere. Meanwhile, if head coach Wade Phillips' goose is cooked in Dallas, Romo's should at the very least be stuffed and basted.

-I realize football is a game of emotion and that the intensity level multiplies during the playoffs, but when a running back jumps up and down and pounds his chest to celebrate a four yard gain on first down, isn't it a bit like a CLSC nurse doing a sack dance after taking someone's blood pressure? Self-exalting histrionics should be reserved for the remarkable rather than the mundane, if there's a place for it at all. I still like guys who celebrate touchdowns by casually tossing the ball to the nearest official and jogging back to the huddle for the extra point. That's cocksure without making a spectacle of yourself.

-That burgundy velour smoking jacket Shannon Sharpe was wearing on the Saturday edition of the NFL Today on CBS looked exactly like the upholstery in my father's 1976 Oldsmobile Ninety-Eight Regency, minus the coffee stains and cigarette burns. (Okay, there might have been some beer stains and roach burns as well, but those weren't Dad's.)

-Roman Hamrlik would be a good porn star name (although it would have to be spelled "Hammerlick"). Dit Clapper...not so much.


  1. As I sit here reading your blog, a giggle escaped my lips, perhaps it was the memories of upholstery in the old Oldsmobiles (didnt they all have burgundy) or perhaps it was the porn star name Hammerlick. None the less this blog started my day with a laugh, and thats the best way to begin a day.....keep em coming...... Darlene

  2. Hammerlick is second to Brock Trotter.

  3. Mister Sharpe needed a white fur hat and crystal-topped walking cane to complete his pimp costume.

  4. Ted,

    what the heck is Laraque still doing
    with the habs, the invisible enforcer..
    with the visible high salary..


  5. Brett Favre was on fire during the game!! Tony Romo, you are right too flashy... Lacking of material to show that much excitment over a four yard gain.

    Like the blog, keep it up!!


  6. Good point about football player celebrations. I always liked Ben Cahoon's cool and calm touchdown celebrations. A simple toss of the ball to the ref. You'll notice too he is always one of the first guys to go over and give his teammates a congratulatory tap on the head when they score. Nothing flashy, all class.

  7. I always do a 'woo hoo' dance when I've done what they pay me to do... ;-)

  8. Hey Birdman ,
    Great to read Monday morning musing !

  9. Hi Ted,

    What if one of your blogs was about what you think celebrities famous or infamous do with their free time.

    What about what pisses you off (not annoy but stronger) when you go grocery shoppping

    What is your opinion on commiting suicide upside down with one's head in a public toilet while someone else flushes the toilet

    Why is it that I am a social worker and get paid peanuts (not even salted ones at that) while professional athletes get paid enough to hire a bunch of monkeys to eat the peanuts for them?



  10. Excellent blog topics, Yvan. That toilet seat one is at least a two-parter.

  11. Note to Darlene: Waking up with a laugh is the SECOND best way to start the day...

    Ted, Goo Gobblers III doesn't hold a candle to Monster Tit Sex Zombies.

  12. Again to Darlene...maybe the third best way to start the day...

  13. Okay...the fourth best way...

  14. Like you always say and we keep stealing.... act like you've been there before! (For those who may not know, I'm referring to the end zone)
    Thanks Ted keep up the great work.

  15. Pacioretty just needs to get stronger and gain a little experience. Unfortunately we are eating up valuable arbitration eligible and restricted free agency time on him doing that at the NHL level. As soon as he's bigger and more "NHL mature" that he can help us he'll become a high cap hit which will be followed by him joining another team as a free agent. Bob, what are you doing?????