Tuesday, February 2, 2010


Secure the skin moisturizer and restock the Kleenex supply: there's a masturbatory storm brewing on the horizon. (Didn't I say I would write about something that the Gazette blog probably wouldn't touch?)
I have two boys aged 8 and 10, meaning that within the next year or so and for the subsequent eight to ten years - and that's a conservative estimate - there's going to be a whole lot of self-pleasuring going on. It also means my wife and I are going to have to decide what to do about the Internet.
Back in my doodle-yanking heyday, we didn't have a vast and varied on-line fantasy world at our busy little fingertips. We had to use our imagination. If we wanted to enhance the experience, our options were pretty much limited to the women's underwear section in the Eaton's catalogue or the occasional racy album cover (my personal favorite was Whipped Cream and Other Delights by Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass.) This required an element of stealth, as no teenaged boy I know of who came of age in the 1960s and/or 70s ever produced a plausible answer when their mother asked them why they were going to the bathroom with a department store catalogue or an LP jacket. My Dad never asked. He knew the score.
Sometimes, Christmas would come early, and I'd find a copy of Playboy or Penthouse in the Old Man's closet.(God, I hope my mother isn't reading this). Compared to the hardcore smut that's so readily available today, Playboy and Penthouse are about as raunchy as Archie comics, but back then they were on the cutting edge of the assault on morality, and represented an adolescent boy's best opportunity for doing some serious wood-buffing with genuine material inspiration.
It's probably a good thing that there was no Internet when my hormones kicked into overdrive. I was busy enough tickling Elmo with little or no visual stimuli. I might have damaged the thing beyond repair in the cyber age.
The greater concern, though, is how the boys are going to interpret what they see on the Internet. I'll always remember and be grateful for my parents explaining to me that pornography was not an accurate representation of a healthy and loving sexual relationship, and their comments were based on material that was arguably artistic by comparison to what's out there today. Will common sense prevail, or do I have to explain to my kids that bukkake and fetish BDSM aren't part of a normal and healthy sexual relationship? Or is that in itself a moral judgement on my part that could be disputed by bukkake and fetish BDSM enthusiasts?
These are not rhetorical questions. I'm honestly looking for answers. I know there's Net Nanny among other ways of policing your kids on the Internet, but let's face it: they're already more computer savvy than I am, and even if they can't access it at home, they'll access it somewhere else.
If you have children - especially boys - who've gone through adolescence in the Internet era, I'm all ears.
Meanwhile, I have to go to the bathroom with this Fausto Papetti album cover. I'm, uh, trying to learn Italian.


  1. I'd recommend K9 parental control, free. Lots of actual parental control, lots of continued talk about respect, both self-respect and that of others. Being always open and honest and trying not to look shocked, lol. And last (but not least in importance), using bbq tongs while removing their bedsheets :D Good luck!

  2. it really doesn't matter what you try to block,my personal choice was my sister's cosmo,I mean evry issue was how to examine the boobs,plus every Saturday was another blue nuit film.I work shifts now,imagine going down to the security office,finding the guard watching Emanuelle,and noticing six more people watching outside through the window with him.
    boys will always be boys

  3. The other day I was perusing the list of films on The Movie Network and an unusual title caught my eye: Donkey Punch. So I googled it. I also got a definition.
    My innocence died that day...

  4. Better not let them find out your homepage is Boobpedia

  5. Well, Ted, I strongly suggest you and your wife sit down with your boys and talk about it. Yes, it will be awkward, but they will respect you for it in the long run.

    First, they need to understand that this sudden surge in hormones is normal. When I was a kid, nobody told me, so when I had a wet dream one night, I honestly thought there was something wrong with me. It took me a long time to figure it out.

    At the same time, teach them that women are not sex objects. Teach them about love and relationships.

    Of course, timing is everything. How will you know when it's the precise time to talk to them about it? Ummm . . . must be a Dr. Seuss book out there that deals with this, yes?

    As for the Gazoo, you could have talked about this subject there. It might help others in the same boat . . .

    And, BDSM, well, nothing like a little bondage to liven up a dull, vanilla sex life . . . Smiles . . .


  6. I would suggest Greta Christina. She's a San Francisco based sex writer who answers email and is quite astute in such matters. Her website is http://gretachristina.typepad.com - don't be thrown, it's definitely an ecclectic website that covers a wide range of different subjects, not all of which are sexual (From spanking to Atheism). That said, I know of no clearer thinker or speaker on the subject of sexuality on the Internet who is as readily accessible, or as kind and compassionate.

  7. Ted,
    My two boys are the same ages as yours. We had the sex talk with the older one a couple of months ago (thinking we were too late and that he'd already have been well and duly misinformed by the kids and school) and were surpised to discover that he was very open and interested to learn the details and often stopped us during the 1 hour chat to clarify "technical details". It was actually a very good experience to have such a frank discussion. As to the internet, we keep the laptops in the kitchen where all can see what is on the screen... there will be no TVs or computers in bedrooms until after highschool... we hear too many stories about cyber bullying etc. There will be plenty of opportunity for them to access internet through other means, but I'm not going to facilitate or encourage it at home.

  8. Hey Ted..

    dont fret..theyll get it somewhere else anyways, and probably know more than us..

    now..back to my Laura Gemser collection..
    when there was no internet...


  9. There's a new costume for Halloween called The Diddler... It's a flesh coloured suit all covered in right hands.

  10. Amazingly, while I was reading this the song Cleaning my Gun by Mark Knopfler came up on the internet radio. Crazy coincidence.

  11. Hey Ted, I use a program called Network magic Pro. Its great highly recommended. It does a multitude of things amongst them u can set it up to get daily reports of where the kids have been the previous day on the internet, also you can set it up to take screen captures....its a super program.

  12. Ted,,

    whats happening are you on vacation today,
    no new writings,,

    p,s, speaking old news..Chom still contines
    to bore the hell out of montrealers with
    bryan adams,

    they played a new song by a group called the
    stills something like that,,but no commentary
    about the band??,,

    guess were supposed to guess..


  13. I would just talk to them casually about it and add just enough detail to gross them out for the next couple of years. :P

  14. I'd love to help, Ted. But with an almost 12 year old girl, I'm too busy refurbishing the dungeon for the boys-with-octopus-hands that are going to be sniffing around her.