Sunday, September 18, 2011

Things my friend Mark says, part 1

My friend Mark is as funny and articulate as anyone in the blogosphere, but too lazy/humble/indifferent to start his own blog, so he just writes gold and sends it to me. His observations need to be shared, for amusement's sake if not for the betterment of mankind.

On sideline Tony
Sept18/11
Dear Mr. Burp,

After 4 dismal years, is it not time for Fox Sports to end the Tony Siragusa sideline experiment?

He has never been funny even once (nor insightful nor even mildly interesting). With the exception of about 7 beer swilling idiots in New Jersey, who can stand to even look at the fucker?

And on top of that, Siragusa - "The Luckiest Fat Fuck in the World" - has the gall to be unprepared! When they go to him he looks mildly startled, then he hasn't got a thing planned! He just banters - badly - with the guys in the booth, and looks actively annoyed that he has to wait 30 whole seconds for that all important next bite of cannoli. I'm convinced that he literally drops the food onto the turf two seconds before the red light goes on, then picks it up again right afterward.

Geez, I wish I was him.

Mildly ashamed but adamant,

Mark



Postal workers strike in Winnipeg!!!
June3/11
Dear Ted,

Could there be a more futile gesture than a mail strike in the 21st
Century?

"Dear God, how will we communicate?"

It strikes me that regular mail service is something that the government might set up as an emergency measure if something horribly wrong happened to the internet; something on the order of a full scale cyber attack by China.

Picture it - The Prime Minister holds a news conference to announce plans to reestablish communications across the nation. "We have developed an envelope-based messaging system. A person will be able to hand write or type a message on paper, seal it in an envelope, and bring it by hand to a centralized collection depot. It will then be picked up and transported by a fleet of trucks, trains, airplanes, more trucks, the occasional bicycle, and finally by a small army of people on foot who will hand deliver the messages. This method has the disadvantage of being expensive,unsanitary, plagued by theft, utterly prone to human error, and almost comically slow. On the bright side, thousands of otherwise unemployable people will be used as carriers."

Mr. Harper assured Canadians that, "this appalling and makeshift
system will be abandoned as soon as the crisis has ended".

Face it, Ted, when you have to actually lick something before you
can get it moving, times are tough. A saliva-based shipping method!

Anachronistically,

Mark



Beeg Buckets
Feb13/11
Dear Bird,

Richard Engel is the Chief Foreign Affairs Correspondent for NBC News, and has done brilliant work out of the Middle East for nearly 10 years now. He's great.

The poor man was in the middle of Revolution Square in Cairo in the minutes after the "resignation" of Hosni Mubarak was announced. Now Engel is a complete professional, and was doing terrific, live, on-the-spot reporting. But the airhead MSNBC anchor, Contessa Brewer, kept insisting that he speak to the people in the square right on camera and live mike.

Engel tactfully ignored her at first, pretending not to hear Brewer's idiotic entreaties to interview the rejoicing protesters. But finally, with a pained expression, he turned his microphone into the crowd to ask how they felt. He knew what was coming, and this is what he got....

A 35ish man who clearly had not bathed for some days seized the mike with two hands, and said - almost word for word - the following - - - -

"Mubarak is an ugly man. UGLY!! He has big buckets - BEEG BUCKETS, like a woman," while making the universal two-handed male gesture indicating really, really unpleasantly huge, woggily tits.

Engel tried grimly to wrest control of the microphone (and subject) from the man. Sadly, the fellow was of the sort who feels compelled to repeat himself even more loudly and with still more graphic gestures to make sure that the world had gotten his point. And it must have. I, for one, will never again have Hosni Mubarak cross my mind without thinking about his tits. This is not a major burden, I suppose, but it is one that I would have preferred not to bear.

Mark

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