Friday, October 28, 2011

Things my friend Mark says - Volume 4: A giant sucking sound


My friend Mark is as funny and articulate as anyone in the blogosphere, but too lazy/humble/indifferent to start his own blog, so he just writes gold and sends it to me. His observations need to be shared, for amusement's sake if not for the betterment of mankind.

Ted,

When Urologists and Podiatrists are jockeying for position outside a locker room door, you know that the baseball hasn't been good. The St. Louis Cardinals and Texas Rangers have stepped on their own dicks so many times in the past week that the putzy and tootsie doctors are fee-splitting.

God, but it has been awful. Terrible errors - mental and physical - have plagued both clubs. Both Managers have been bafflingly erratic, making decisions that border on mild psychosis. And let's not leave out the Umpires, who have been as useless as the bullpen telephones.

"Fall Classic", my ass! The 2011 World Series has been like watching 7 Harlem Globetrotters games in a row - but with the Washington Generals playing both sides. I keep waiting for them to pull out the fake water bucket.

And yet, it's been genuinely fun to watch. This month has proven that horrible baseball can be exciting and memorable. But there's a dangerous flip side to that statement. Excellent baseball can't anymore. It's dull, predictable, way too slow, and getting slower by the year.

Do quarterbacks spend 45 seconds rubbing and spitting on the football before the snap? Do hockey referees keep throwing out new pucks until Henrik Sedin settles on one that he likes? Major League Baseball just can't compete with the barely controlled mayhem and sheer pace of the NHL and NFL (not to mention most MLS post-goal celebrations).

And the athletes themselves - many of them - are an embarrassment to the sport. Pitching mounds are peopled by throwers so fat that they look like PGA castoffs. Put a Rangers uniform on John Daly, and you've pretty much got the picture. Barry White isn't dead; he's in the Yankees starting rotation. (Okay, same thing - but you see my point.)

And it's not just the pitchers that are "big boned" anymore. Throw a tarp over Prince Fielder and he could sleep six. Beer in the locker room? Hell, I'm surprised they don't smoke on the field! What difference would it make?

It's become sadly apparent that for baseball to be entertaining in the 21st Century, it has to really, really, really suck. Job well done, guys.

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