Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Things my friend Mark says - Volume 5

My friend Mark is as funny and articulate as anyone in the blogosphere, but too lazy/humble/indifferent to start his own blog, so he just writes gold and sends it to me. His observations need to be shared, for amusement's sake if not for the betterment of mankind.

Ted,

The term, "thrice-widowed" is reserved for mass murderers and Ben Cartwright. Adam, Hoss, and Little Joe were all born of different mothers on the 600,000 acre Ponderosa. (Plenty of room to create an "accident" or hide a body.) Odd premise for a western.

But here's what I've been thinking. Hoss's mother must have been a delicate, lovely woman, no? I can picture her in my mind, but words fail me. Fortunately we can fall back on Jim Bouton's description of one similar woman from his baseball classic, Ball Four. "'It's hard to say exactly what she looked like. She was kind of a Joe Torre with tits."

Exhibit A

My guess is that Hoss's mom was originally one of Ben's silver miners, who - as it turned out - could cook up a mean plate of biscuits and gravy. It was lonely out there in Nevada. How could Ben resist her?

In retrospect, "Ponderosa" was probably her given name - and the ranch was named in her honour after an unfortunate oven explosion that carried her away to Heaven - and about 40 feet beyond the stables.

Hard to blow up a wood oven. Hop Sing refused to discuss it.

This brings us to the late John Bateman - fat, ugly catcher for the expansion Expos - may he rest in peace. Trust me, this photo is very flattering...

Bateman finished his career as catcher for the great softball pitcher, Eddie Feigner ("The King and his Court"). Feigner broke Bateman's nose three times, which made him all the more beautiful.

Anyway, former Montreal Star writer John Robertson swore that he once saw Bateman approach a large and unfortunate-looking woman in a Crescent Street bar. Wishing to make a good first impression, Bateman paid her a thoughtful compliment. "Say! You don't sweat much for a big girl!" The old smoothie!

It should be noted that no harm was done, and the two of them left the bar together - happy, horny, and apparently resigned to their lots in life.

Mark

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