Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Alf Iafrate and other alternative hockey content

Photoshop by Josie Gold

Just because there are no actual NHL games doesn't mean we have to be starved for pro hockey-related entertainment this winter. In the event of a prolonged lockout and as a public service, I'd like to take this opportunity to pitch the following show ideas to any and all interested television networks.

- Real Housewives of Magnitogorsk: While their KHL husbands cruise the broad boulevards and gallivant in the 5 star hotels of Moscow and St. Petersburg, Olga Malkin and Ludmila Gonchar work the night shift at the iron ore smelting plant and line up for stale bread and horsemeat in the soot-encrusted shadow of the Urals.
- I Love Lucic: a locked out Boston Bruin has some 'splainin' to do after his fiance catches him in the hot tub with Zdeno Chara.
- Alf Iafrate: a bald alien with a terrific slapshot moves in with a suburban Washington family and cobbles together a couple of decent seasons for the Capitals.
- Lap Dancing with the Dallas Stars: chronicles the gentlemen's club adventures of noted ballet enthusiast Mike Ribeiro.
- The Verdun Dragons' Den: retired members of the now-defunct North American Hockey League franchise collect drug debts for biker gangs. Link Gaetz stars.
- The Biggest Loser: retired Toronto Maple Leafs argue their respective cases for having all traces of their lamentable careers expunged from the NHL record books. Co-hosted by Rocky Saginuk and Bates Battaglia.

Considering the current dearth of hockey content and what passes for award-winning prime time television these days, I have no doubt that these shows would be ratings winners.

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