Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Shuttle diplomacy with John Daly

Proving once again that the best stories are true stories that can't be made up, noted PGA train wreck John Daly has taken to Twitter to urge a truce between Tiger Woods and Sergio Garcia. While he's not on the short list to be appointed as a roving UN ambassador to any of the world's hotspots anytime soon, Daly's unlikely stab at diplomacy inspired the following list of sports figures in improbable second careers:

John Tortorella as a pre-school educator - how long would it take before Tortorella chastised a roomful of four year olds for being terrible drawers before making half of them healthy scratches for swim gym and telling their parents to kiss his ass? My guess is first day on the job.

Bob Cole as a librarian- aside from the irony of a guy who has trouble putting a coherent sentence together overseeing a book depository, Cole's baritone bellowing would routinely shatter the calm of one of society's few remaining tranquil retreats.

Ilya Bryzgalov as a Baptist preacher - they say God has a sense of humour, but even the Almighty would be taken aback by a pulpit-pounding pastor belting out "hallelujahs", "amens" and "can-I-get-a-witnesses" in a thick central Russian dialect.

Rick Ankiel as a gangster - if Ankiel's organized crime endeavors mirrored his baseball career, he'd start out as a promising hitman who suddenly and inexplicably loses his ability to kill people, but reinvents himself as an adequate getaway driver or money launderer.

Travis Moen as a neurosurgeon - you've seen his hands around the net. Imagine Moen trying to apply the deft touch required to carry out a successful ventricular endoscopy. If nothing else, he'd provide steady employment for the medical malpractice firm of Urbina, Schlichter and Strawberry.

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