Tuesday, September 23, 2014

An Open Letter to ISIS

September 22, 2014

Dear ISIS,
   What up, killas?  Heard tell you were headed this way to make the streets run red with the blood of the disbelievers.  Awfully sporting of you to give us a heads up.  I thought I'd return the favor with a few useful travel tips, assuming you want to keep a low profile before you turn our worldly life into fear and fire.
   You need to know up front that the values here are a little different.  You want to talk about holy crusades?  Wait until you get a load of some of our more strident social activists.  One perceived slight against racial, gender or sexual equality and they'll make you wish you were aborted in the first trimester, because Justin says the days when old men get to decide what a woman can do with her body are long gone.  (They'll probably crucify me just for writing that.  Another useful reminder: I'm using crucifixion as a metaphor and not in the literal sense.  Also, "stoned" refers to getting high, not being executed for adultery.)  Bear in mind, too, that women in this part of the world are allowed to work, go to school and wear modern western fashions, so keep your curved dagger handy in case you have to cut out your own eye after seeing a wrist or an ankle.
   Another good thing to remember is that randomly firing AK's into the air isn't the norm in these parts, except on New Year's Eve in Kahnawake. Speaking of which, don't even think about fucking with the natives.  You guys think you've been hard done by?  They've got a laundry list of legitimate grievances that would choke a camel.  They've also got a significant community of  professional military veterans and a warrior spirit rooted in honor and integrity and they're not on your side in this deal, so you'd best give them a wide berth.  
   At the risk of  being presumptuous, I have a couple of target suggestions for you.  Do you have hipsters in the Caliphate?  They're probably the worst infidels because they buy into their own bullshit even more than you guys buy into your's.  Interestingly, some of them could actually pass for jihadists because they grow their beards to their beltline, so they'd probably find it delightfully ironic if you blew up one of their favorite vegan hangouts or strung them up by their thrift store scarves.  If you could also bomb every Kentucky Fried Chicken outlet, I'd be personally grateful because if I don't get off the dirty bird I'm going to tip the scales at three bills.   
   Anyhoo, that's about it for now.  I won't ask you about your itinerary because I know you want everything to be a surprise.  The guys at the car wash say hey.

Your not-worthy-of-Allah's-mercy pal,


  1. Anyone taking their perverted marching orders from some invisible dude on cloud 78 is worthy of our contempt; would almost be funny if not so smucking sad.
    PS: Maybe someone should remind these lugnuts that it's 2014, the stone age is officially over.

  2. I hate it when you're right Bird.

  3. "What's up, killas?" You had me snorting from line one.... great blog.
    (I didn't feel like going through the rigmarole of opening an ID, so I posted as anonymous but I'm signing my name.)
    Maryanne Gallagher