Let's be honest - Neighborhood Watch ain't gonna cut it when Fuquad and Ghrabbag kick your bedroom door down in the middle of the night to cut off your head, torture your wife and drag your kids off to be brainwashed and re-inserted as sleeper cells 10-20 years hence. That's why we're offering this uniquely patriotic self-protection package! Here's what you get when you order the Canadian ISIS Home Preparedness Kit:
- 1 construction hard hat with genuine tar stains from the Alberta oil sands.
- 1 Remington 870 12 gauge pump action shotgun, with enough muzzle velocity and shot spread to dispatch multiple jihadis to their final reward simultaneously. Don't keep the virgins waiting!
- 1 Bauer APX hockey stick which, in the proper Canadian hands, is only marginally less lethal than the Remington.
- Classic Sherwood shoulder pads and Graf hockey pants, because hockey.
Act now! Supplies are limited, and tomorrow could be too late!*
*All items pre-owned. Vendor not responsible for smell of hockey equipment.