THE DAILY SPEW
Sox Slugger Honors Past Pisstanks
by Spew staff
Kansas City. Mo. - In a stirring tribute to some of baseball's most notorious alcoholics and reprobrates, Chicago White Sox slugger Paul Konerko carried a half-full magnum of champagne around the bases after hitting a home run in Kansas City Wednesday.
"Thish ish for the Mick!" slurred Konerko as he was called out while inadvertently careening around the basepaths in the wrong direction in honor of New York Yankees legend Mickey Mantle.
Mantle's prowess on the diamond was almost as legendary as his prodigious appetite for liquor and whores. To this day, Mantle remains the only player to drink for the cycle, downing a single, double, triple and quadruple boilermaker in the same game. A prototype five tool player and two-way drinker, Mantle was also the master of making diving catches without spilling a drop of the martinis he routinely nursed in center field.
Konerko's blew .283 at a random police spot check outside the Kauffman Stadium after the game, ushering him into the exclusive ranks of players with a minimum of 1000 career plate appearances and a blood alcohol level higher than his career batting average.
"It's a goddam honor," Konerko retched between dry heaves when the Daily Spew reached him at a Kansas City Police Department holding cell Thursday morning.
"I just wish I could remember what happened."