SUBBAN DEMOTES SELF TO MINORS
by Spew hockey writer Red Fishcakes
TAMPA - Following a mediocre personal performance in the Montreal Canadiens season-opening road trip, all star defenceman P.K. Subban has voluntarily demoted himself to Hamilton of the American Hockey League.
"I suck," said Subban while searching in vain for his jock in the rafters of the Amalie Arena in Tampa, "so I decided to take matters into my own hands and told Coach (Michel Therrien) and Bergy (General Manager Marc Bergevin) that they're very disappointed in me and were sending me to Hamilton to regain my confidence."
Subban, who signed a lucrative 72 million dollar contract during the off-season, also vowed to give his entire paycheque to
"I tink maybe e's got da ebola," said Therrien when asked about the Subban situation, adding "who in dere right mind want to go to 'amilton? Dat's a shit place."
At press time, it was unclear whether Subban would follow through with the self-demotion or suit up for the Canadiens' home opener Thursday night at the Bell Center against Boston. Besides leaving the Canadiens shorthanded on defence, Subban's absence would have negative economic consequences by cutting into unlicensed sales of blackface and afro wigs among a substantial portion of Montreal fans who still consider vaudeville to be appropriate, cutting edge comedy.