THE DAILY SPEW
SUPREME FAT FUCK GOES MIA
by Spew Far East bureau chief Lik Mi Dong
Western intelligence analysts remain mystified over the whereabouts of North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, who hasn't appeared in public since early September.
"It's probably nothing," said a U.S. State Department official who requested anonymity because he has no goddam idea what he's talking about. "Based on his lifestyle history and our complete lack of credible information, we estimate that he's holed up in a beach house with a case of Absolut and a bunch of those smoking hot North Korean army chicks, making boom-boom long time. I know I would be."
Failing health has also been cited as a possible reason for Kim's disappearance from public view. The Supreme Leader is a heavy drinker and smoker with a prodigious appetite and was overweight and limping noticeably when last seen publicly, prompting speculation that he was suffering from gout or that Dennis Rodman had shoved a basketball up his ass during one of their drunken benders.
Other experts, however, speculate that more sinister forces are at play and suspect Kim might have been deposed by the North Korean military.
"Career military officers take a dim view of being ordered around by lucky sperm club members who look like Moe from the Three Stooges," noted U.S. Army General Sherman Woods (ret.), former commander of United States Forces Korea (USFK). "My guess is they killed two birds with one stone and had him poisoned and ground into a watery gruel for famine relief."
"That fat bastard could feed Yanggang-Do province for a month."