THE DAILY SPEW
BRUINS SIGN DALAI LAMA
by Spew hockey writer Red Fishcakes
Boston - In a surprise move aimed at fostering global harmony and shoring up their injury-depleted blueline, the Boston Bruins have signed His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama of Tibet.
Sporting a Bruins hat during an introductory news conference at Boston's TD Garden, the Dalai Lama told reporters that joining the Bruins was a dream come true.
"I was a huge Bruins fans when I was a kid growing up in the Himilayas," said the world-renowned spiritual leader. "I used to wait for the latest scores to be delivered by pack mule. When I learned in 1953 that the Bruins had won the Cup in '41, it was one of the happiest days of my life."
Bruins coach Claude Julien wasn't sure when or where his newest roster addition would debut, but said he liked what he saw in the Dalai Lama's first practice.
"Lammy's a quick study," said Julien, "and he moves pretty good for a 79 year old guy in a dress."
Boston players were adopting more of a wait-and-see attitude.
"I'm not sure there's such a thing as a big, bad Buddhist," said rugged winger Milan Lucic, adding "I guess we'll find out soon enough."
"Ugliest chick I've ever seen," mused Bruins superpest Brad Marchand.
"But I'd fuck her."