Wednesday, February 24, 2016

If Social Justice Warriors actually went to war

   Every generation is a product of its time, from the genuinely hard-done-by kids who grew up in the 1930s Depression era and were rewarded for their hardscrabble existence by being shipped off to war in the 1940s, to the pampered, entitled millennials of today. That said, I have no doubt the youth of today would respond to similar challenges with the same courage and determination of their forebears - and maybe just a dash of their own 21st century hypersensitive campus culture. 


To: All ranks
From: Supreme Allied Command
Date: June 30, 1944 (D-Day plus 24)

It has come to our attention that since arriving in enemy-occupied territory, some of you have experienced difficulty in making the admittedly jarring transition from the relative comforts of your training bases in the United Kingdom to the soul-shattering horrors of daily life in an active war zone. While circumstances are such that a certain amount of trauma - up to and including sudden, violent death - is inevitable, your superior officers recognize that they are duty-bound to minimize the physical and psychological hardships of constant exposure to deadly combat. To that end, the Allied Expeditionary Force has undertaken several initiatives aimed at ensuring that all troops are exposed to the absolute minimum of terror and carnage, to wit:

SAFE SPACES: also known as foxholes, these rudimentary shelters are designed to provide a modicum of safety and relief from hostile fire on the field of battle. Pinpoint artillery barrages and lethally accurate sniper fire can be insensitive and hurtful, so dig deep and stay close to your safe space at all times. Remember, the enemy does not have your best interests at heart because of cultural differences that help make up the global mosaic that is so vibrant and wonderful when nations and peoples are not trying to wipe each other from the face of the earth. 

TRIGGER WARNINGS: these verbal red flags are meant to advise troops of the imminent risk of death or mutilation so that you can get to your safe space before being torn limb from limb. The standard trigger warning for all units is "Incoming!", although "Get your fucking head down!" and "Put out that fucking cigarette!" are also commonplace, especially in units with battle-tested sergeant-majors who've beaten the odds by staying alive for more than one week. If you don't hear a trigger warning, it means you're already dead. 

OFFICER PRIVILEGE: Officer privilege comes in many forms, from superior meals and sleeping quarters to ordering lower ranks to almost certain death from the relative safety of a fortified command post. Officer privilege has existed for as long as there have been armies, and remains a leading cause of resentment and other emotional distress in the enlisted ranks, to which we - the officers - say "Too fucking bad."

For further information, please contact:

Social Justice Command
Allied Expeditionary Force
Some liberated whorehouse in Normandy

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